The phrase "level up" has been popping up in my vocabulary lately. Ironically, it's one I feel unworthy of using since it seems to belong to a way of speaking that seems foreign to me, and something I vaguely associate with prosperity gospel nonsense.

Now, seeking excellence or improving oneself or circumstances need not involve striving after riches. Thank goodness, for I've found that it's not something I do well. I absolutely cannot pursue things solely for the money - at least not in any long term fashion. Admittedly, it is tempting to imagine being in some parallel universe where I am famous and can charge exorbitant rates to people who have hitherto left me out in the cold professionally. Mwah ha ha.

Yes, I've worked boring, well paid gigs, but too long in those and I would start to go insane. I had one desk job with no window and whose staff refused the only creative initiative I could take within my purview: to change our coffee supply to fair trade. I would occasionally go dance in the bathroom as a form of desperate rebellion.

Another sales job required me to demo a highly priced item, surrounded by other beauty products to which I would have never given the slightest bit of attention, but devoid of intellectual challenge, I started becoming overly preoccupied with looking at my face and wondering if $80 serums really would make a difference. Finances required that I ignore the deprivation of my face (real or imagined), but I could not ignore that my brain seemed to be melting. And thus I concluded that an excess of mindless things or people in my life result in my being restless or resentful.

Ah, but there is the problem. Life doesn't always match you up perfectly with jobs or people or situations or salaries that reflect your preferences or abilities or allow you to reach your fullest potential. Either you stay put and suffer from stagnation, a feeling that you are settling for mediocrity, or, you spend a great deal of money/energy/time in order to access a better situation. In the latter situation, one can come up short or simply not achieve the desired results. For me, the mere thought of trying to change my situation, even if it is for the better, can trigger all sorts of negative emotions as I remember the cost of previous attempts. All that to say that I have a complicated relationship with levelling up.

How to balance the desire for simplicity and humility with the sense of obligation to seek excellence and the desire to do more than merely survive? How to recognize and live from one's identity as both royalty and a beggar in front of God? How to store up riches in heaven while going about the business of life and the life of business on earth?

I don't have a blueprint for building either a worldly empire, or my own particular corner of the Kingdom of God. It all seems very overwhelming most days and I am grateful if I can just manage to pray morning prayer, eat more vegetables than carbs, and have pairs for all the socks after a cycle of laundry.

What I do know is that thoughtful consideration of what is Good, True, and Beautiful in the context of every day decisions, is paramount. Asking oneself whether or not one is being fair, honest, generous, and responsible with one's time and gifts cannot be optional. Here are some such questions to consider:

1. Is my hesitation to grow as an artist coming from fear of failure, as opposed to a genuine concern for my energy levels or uncertainty about my focus?
2. Am I making a change merely for unnecessary material gain (notoriety or money)?
3. If making a change for financial reasons, have I thought about how I will allocate these additional resources, including how I can serve those less fortunate? How can I ensure that I don't just default to spending more on things that aren't ultimately service oriented?
4. Have I reflected on how my comfort zone - even if well chosen, humble and reasonable - may not be the extent of where I am called to serve?
5. Have I spoken honestly to those I trust, and to God about what I want and need? Have I asked them what they are seeking and listened to see where there might be a convergence, an echo of a similar direction...or perhaps something new I haven't considered?
6. Am I trying to put old wine into new wineskins? That is, am I trying to shrink to fit places I have outgrown?
7. Where is the love in what I am doing and saying? For example, I now have a tiny bit of guilt about my above picture of Joel Osteen. After all, God loves him and I'm sure he's a nice man. But, as any musical theatre fan knows:

Speaking of good things, here was a lovely interview I did recently with Elijah Baker of Musiprof, a web platform to market independent music teachers - part of my levelling up!

In the meantime, check out my calendar to keep up with me in the next couple of months! This week I sing in a concert version of West Side Story with l'Orchestre de la Francophonie; at the end of August I will be performing in the Côte St Luc Dramatic Society's remount of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat at the Segal Centre, and in the fall I will be increasing my voice studio AND I hope to have a special event to announce in November, soon!

Lately I’ve been privileged to witness my students really discover what their voices are capable of.  I think one of the most rewarding aspects of teaching is watching students be surprised by new things in their voice, the looks on their faces when they realize that that sound came out of them.  

It doesn’t really matter what sound it is.  It’s new to them, different, sometimes even disconcerting because it feels foreign, sometimes frustrating because, well, “Why can’t I always do that?!”  But most often, there is joy. It is the joy of knowing there is more to them than they knew, that they already have the capacity to do something that may have seemed out of reach; now it’s just a matter of making it a habit.

Ultimately, the goal I’m always working towards in lessons is freedom.  Vocal freedom is not just impressive or useful; it’s beautiful. Not all beautiful singing is perfect singing...but I do believe beauty requires freedom.  To paraphrase and adapt Pope John Paul the 2nd, freedom is not in simply doing what we like but having the right to do what we ought. Music requires a spirit of service and in order to render it justice, we need the ability and control to do what we ought, that is, sing freely.  This is work that can be done from, shall we say, both ends.  When we embrace freedom, when we let go - of inhibition, vocal tension etc - , we discover where we can refine control.  And when we focus on that area of control, on the boundaries, the outlines, the specific spaces of our voice, we find the areas where we can work for greater freedom.

Pink, being more badass than I ever will

The incredible thing is how much this work never fails to involve our whole person.  The voice is tied to our identities. It reveals so many aspects about ourselves: strengths, vulnerabilities, fears, habits, comforts.  It’s truly a space for growing in self-awareness, an opportunity to grow in self-respect. Patience and attentiveness to the tiny differences this or that adjustment makes, whether it’s in posture, diet, or any aspect of one’s warm up routine, is part of the act of love that is art.  

Recently, I praised someone while they did a certain section of a piece that was particularly difficult.  It wasn’t perfect, but I could hear the improvement, and hear what it would probably sound like given more time and ease.  He gave me a rather incredulous look, and said: “I don’t hear what you hear.” I responded that I knew that was the case but that I was positive this was something he could do well.  

It struck me later how profound that was because it’s true: we frequently don’t hear what others hear in our voices, or see in ourselves what others see in us.  We feel stuck in our physical limitations, weighed down by our stress, our past; however, sometimes it is simply being seen and heard by someone else, a witness, that begins our steps into new awareness, and freedom.  The witness shines a light on the “yes” spoken by the person who has chosen to make themselves vulnerable. He or she echoes back this yes, and makes it easier for the other person to choose to say “yes” again.

It’s a precious space to share and I'm grateful for it.